SOME MEMORIES ARE BEST LEFT FORGOTTEN
A cousin recently said to me that I must have an incredible memory to be able to remember all the things I am writing about. I guess I do have incredible memories when it comes to some things. For example, I have detailed memories of the day we picked up my mom from the hospital after my sister was born. I was 3 years 9 months old. I vividly remember the pajama set I was wearing while standing on our sidewalk when I was 5 years old and my aunt came to our house to tell us my great-grandfather had died. I have many other memories of things that happened between the ages of 3 and 5.
However, remembering details of other things is not quite that simple. Life got complex along the way. Around the time frame that Jess went away to school, I was very busy with day-to-day events of everyday life, a husband, and 3 children who kept my schedule full. Jessica’s brother and sister were at the fun adolescent ages of 11 and 12. I think I was spread thin and specific memories of certain time frames are sometimes a challenge to come by.
I seem to have kept almost every IEP, almost every note given to me by teachers and parapros, and almost every medical report I had ever been given. Obviously, all the things I write about are not in the paperwork, nor is it all in my brain. The combination works great to help me recall many things and put it into stories on my blog.
There seems to be some paperwork missing, or misplaced. That missing paperwork is most of the papers from the school for the blind. So, what has been written about events after she started school there have been mostly a combination of memories of mine, Jessica’s dad, my mother, and Jessica herself. Many of those events were so traumatic in one way or another that we have had plenty of memories to write about.
It is kind of funny how we each have different things that we remember. As we share stories with each other, it seems we take turns saying, “I remember that time…” and the others of us do not remember those specific occasions.
My mother recently said, “You need to include that time that Jessica called home nearly hysterical.” Well, I cannot include that because that is not one of my memories. I have encouraged her to write about that if she wants to. Sometimes it can be cathartic to write about the memories. Quite honestly, I do not want to ask enough questions to gather enough information to write about it then re-read it, then edit, etc. Sometimes, I do not want to remember. This is probably why my mother will not write about it either.
Since I started blogging in February, I have had many people say how painful it must be to recall many of the things I have written about Jessica’s Journey. Yes, actually, it has been some of the time. I would probably describe it more as mentally exhausting than painful. Sometimes, it is difficult to get started writing the next post. At times, I just want to go back to not remembering so many details, like after writing The Nightmare.
I find myself not wanting to keep digging looking for that misplaced paperwork. I do not want to do my homework for another Nightmare post. And that is okay. Because The Nightmare was the worst of the worst for Jessica. Everything after that period of time started gradually looking up. Although we did not know the daily events and details of what was happening with Jessica during the school day, thankfully she had a guardian angel who did know. Someone who had witnessed how Jessica was being treated and advocated for Jessica behind the scenes to help remove her from that setting. For Jess, it was probably like waking up from a nightmare and having a pleasant day-dream.
* DISCLAIMER: This is how Jessica and our family perceived the experience and events that occurred as specifically related to Jess being at this school. It does not necessarily represent the experience of other students at that school as a whole.